i've been thinking about everything Paul said to me on that very unexpectedly long phone conversation last weekend. After a 5 hour phone call I was left with a list of verses and a very warm feeling of love and another of cold uncertainty and instructions to take time out of my day to think about God. Its useless to compare him to human circumstances but its all I know, and so it feels like he's my soulmate and I've cheated on him. Even though i know he'll take me back in a heartbeat, i feel too guilty and ashamed to accept. How can so many wrongs be forgotten? Of course, being God, He isn't barricaded by the blindness of human nature, and can forgive and forget what He pleases, but it is unfathomable to my mind and therefore I feel more guilty than I have will to be relieved from it. Sick, painful waves crash over my thoughts and my heart whenever i have the slightest thought of attempting to talk to God about anything, or even admitting that his presence is always with me, because that would mean that he witnessed everything my naiive mind ignorantly believes is so hidden until divulged at my will. How vain is that? Plus i cannot bear the thought that he already knew i would fall, and yet gave me so much joy so short of time ago. If I knew a friend would betray me.... well then again i dont' know what i would do. probably sulk and accuse them of doing terrible things before they happened. and again i remind myself that God cannot, will not, and never will be anything so tainted as a human.
I miss peace in myself. when trying to convert or "save" people, many evangelists look to scripture to prove their points through logic, or point out that hell will burn you in more ways than are consiously fathomable to scare some into faith, but for me it was the feeling of letting go of the worries of life, completely existing in joy, and feeling a warm calm in my heart, instead of the dead weight that sits there brooding now. Ian touched on it my sophomore year, when he made it his life's goal to convert me. It was fire and brimstone most of the time, which i recoiled from, but then he touched on the amazing freedom from stress, from jealousy, from the tendrils of society that wind their way into what we think we need, and from everything that had ever plauged me since i'd cut my wrists in junior high.
i feel as though i was walking such a straight path, and then suddenly was tossed across the expanse of the earth to lie in a gutter, and there is no one to blame but myself. the love that i once felt so purely like snowflakes on bare skin had been replaced by hail that only pounds until all you can do is hide from it and take comfort in more meaningless things.
i never loved before i loved God. and i have loved a great many times. my life, my self, my meaning is lost without it. what can i do but run back into the arms of the only constant source of that which sustains me and beg for forgiveness. like begging for air to come back into my lungs or feeling back into a numb leg.
I don't know where to begin, but i guess that is silly, because here it is.
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