The Rollercoaster Continues...

I am calmly frazzled with all of the projects and people and drama that gets thrown at me. The rain got into my aura, I think, and reminded me of the power of things bigger than my little world. I pulled on my brand new wonderously sleeping-bag esque eskimo jacket with tons of fur on the hood and felt safe. Why can't all days be rainy?
I have a friend who is drama incarnate. I think she is the most unlike me of anyone I've ever met. I've become friends with her boyfriend and he constantly asks me if they should be together and I don't have the balls to say "RUN! FAST!" because I call her my friend. If everyone had the forgiveness and patience I have for that girl there would be world peace... no doubt.
I got an interview two days after submitting a resume and it made me feel ashamed- Chris has been looking for months and not gotten any sort of feedback. But I hate being poor more than I feel bad for him so I'm going on an interview on Friday.
I reconnected with two amazing old friends- I forgot how much better it feels to surround yourself with people who love you than people who only save a seat for you in class when they aren't feeling pissy. I can't decide what hurts more- having amazing people living far away from me so I can't ever hang out with them in person, or having people around all the time who expect you to be their selfishness enabler. I think sadness hangs in the shadows for good people, and in the unexamined souls of bad people.
Christmas is such a horrible, sad holiday for me now. I used to be the unshakable holiday optimist who saw magic in every wreath and watched five christmas movies the day after Thanksgiving. My mom and my Chris have put me in a horrible place. My mom doesn't let Chris participate in our Christmas, claiming that he isn't officially part of the family yet (that offends Chris) and yet I'm not allowed to have Christmas with him (it is blaspheme for me to not have Christmas with my family- according to my mother). Chris claims I am allowed to make my own decisions- easy enough for someone to say when their family is easygoing and distant- and that my mom should understand. He gets depressed and refuses to celebrate the holidays. My mom just argues with me about it at any opportunity. Last Christmas there was a fight that resulted in a ruined holiday and my mom and I not speaking for two months. Somehow I've lost the wonderful spirit that used to encompass me around November and December- somehow I'm just waiting for unfairness and resentment and ignorance to smack me for wanting to be with all the people I love.
Photography is... challenging. Artistically not technically. I'm impatient to be brilliant but I'm still learning how to find brilliance, and every teacher and photographer has a different ethic and technique to thrust down our throats. Photo 111 has zero expectations, Photo 102 expects thorough research, 40 expects perfect technicality, and 199 expects the unexpected. I've found I really want to be the best but in art there is no "best". Which confuses my motivation.
I've been eating horribly... probably because two things off a dollar menu constitutes a meal and nothing else that is two dollars can be called an entire meal. My gym card is lost and they want to charge me ten dollars to get a new one... so I have to pay a third of my monthly membership price to go back to the gym and I've been avoiding it.
My cat plays with trash. Seriously his favorite toys are bottlecaps and empty soda boxes. He is the most beautiful, fluffy little boy and he is so needy I call him my little baby. He won't even sleep anywhere but on my chest. Silly animal, I love him so.